When Shana first told me the topic of the guest blog, I immediately
thought, I would kiss my ass! Naturally that’s what I want my husband to
do. Kiss my ass honey! Sometimes I want him to “kiss it” as in, I am his
queen and he should bow down, and other times I want him to “kiss it”
because he is a tool. Either way he, on average, should be kissing my ass
about 95% of the time. However, if I were actually him, the last thing I
would want to do for 24-hours is kiss my own ass!
Still, I am going to spend then next 24-hours as my husband living to the
fullest. I will be fulfilling all of my wants and desires for my husband,
and just being a man in general…
Wake up get dressed in loose fitting jeans a comfy soft t-shirt and
flip-flops, then head out the door to the closest breakfast buffet. I would
probably just pull up a chair to the buffet so I could go crazy on it. I
would keep a steady handful of bacon in my left hand and shovel pancakes,
eggs, biscuits, gravy, cheese, grits, French toast and everything else I
normally go without into my mouth. Then like a man, I would go poop it all
out 4 minutes later, return to the buffet and sit down for round two.
Next I would head straight over to the hypnotist. I would get hypnotized
to clean, cook and be the most agreeable husband with a few simple signals.
Once I am sufficiently a well-behaved tool, I would go to the beach and
take off my shirt and run around. Swim top-less and not care that my abs
were not tight and perfect. I would then beach myself like a whale to
sleep off breakfast. Oh, and the second I have to pee I would run over to
the nearest tree and pee standing up. I would probably try to write
something with my pee to see if it is really possible.
By this point it would be close to lunch time, so I would head over to the
nearest pub and take 10 shots and drink 10 pints to see what it’s like to
drink my weight in booze and still not be falling down drunk. For lunch I
would order the entire fried food menu, and dip it all in mayonnaise and
sour cream. Then I would go out back, pee standing up again, and then go
home for another nap.
Once I have sufficiently slept off the beer and fried food comatose, I
would jump in the car and head to the nearest shopping center. I would
bust out all of my husbands credit cards and go bat shit crazy! I would
buy everything I want, some great stuff for the baby, and maybe, if there
were any money left over, something a man would actually want.
Next, I would go back home and do the stuff around the house that only a
man could do… and has been putting off because he is a lazy shit. I know
working is probably not the best way to spend my day as my husband… but you
know how the saying goes… “If you want something done right…” Plus, I
don’t have the muscles the ape does.
Once the work is done I would take a shower, order take away at our
favorite restaurant, spend some time with my baby, because by this point I
would miss his soooo much, and then finish the day eating yet another
ridiculously fattening dinner washed down with a few more high calorie
pints. Finally, one more lap around the neighborhood shirtless with a stop
at the neighbor’s tree for a pee. Then off to bed, because I am sure at
this point not only would I be worn out, I would be missing being womanly
Thanks again for this opportunity. Many prayers and blessing to you and
your new and +1 improved family. Big Hugs!